My life "Upspydown"

I am finished with the internet. I have gotten bitch slapped in forums too many times. I mean how many times do I need to get my panties in a twist over people I've never even fucking met? There is no need to feel stressed out over nothing. Therefore, I am done. No more blogging (like I did much anyway) and no more reading other people's stuff either. I am finished. e-mail is it for me. Now how do I get rid of this account? Off to find out...

So I'm studying yet another religion. I believe I've already posted here about how many different religions I have studied in my lifetime. I believe I will always be a UU, but I need some spiritual direction that I'm not getting from my church. Buddhism seems to be the most appealing so I'm gathering up everything I can to see if it fits. Being agnostic/borderline atheist is not working for me. It's not necessarily that I believe there is something more, but that I NEED to believe there is something more. I've been feeling empty and I don't like it. I'm going to take up meditation again, something I haven't done since my Witchy days, and read everything I can get my hands on about Buddhism. Hopefully this will be the one, but if it's not at least I tried. :o)

Well, we (he) did it. Scott got a vasectomy today. Last night at about 1 a.m. I freaked out and said that he shouldn't do it, but I came to my senses this morning and all went well. He is sore, but fine. (Taking a nap at the moment) It's hard to believe this chapter of our lives is over. It feels weird. Good, but weird. We went out to lunch afterward and the host asked "Table for how many?" and I answered
"Four. Forever."
It made me smile and it made me sad.

We moved the boys bunkbeds into their own room 2 nights ago. So far I've spent both nights in Quinn's bunk with him, but that was to be expected. I am hoping to slowly night wean him and sleep in my own bed soon. I need some SLEEP!

I learned something important today. It's true that stress can kill you.

I was cleaning the apartment, feeling totally fine and then WHAM! All of the sudden a pain ripped through my chest that knocked me to the floor. I couldn't catch my breath, almost passed out, got all sweaty and couldn't talk. Scott got me to the couch and I laid there for a moment trying to breath. I said "heart attack" because that's what I thought it was. Scott called 911. A slew of paramedics arrived a few minutes later and ran some tests. An ambulance ride later I was in the ER. More tests and waiting and it turns out it wasn't a heart attack but something called Costochondoritis (or something like that) which is intense chest pains brought on by stress. The doctor said it "hurts like a bitch" which is SO accurate and that is brought on by stress and hits you like a brick wall. Well, yes it does. Good grief!

So Quinn's screaming and Sage's tantrums finally landed me in the hospital. Doctors orders were "more sleep and less stress". Um, yeah. How am I supposed to do that? Quinn still wakes every hour (and every half hour from 5am on) and screams like a banshee all day and night. Sage is in a "lovely" phase where every little thing has him pounding on the floor and screaming while he hyperventalates. I've tried everything I can think of (and things I'm not proud of) to stop their behavior issues but nothing works.

Nothing like feeling like a complete failure as a mother and then thinking that it will probably kill me.

While I am overjoyed at the turns in the House and the Senate, I am so depressed about other things political that I barely got out of bed this morning. Four more states made it illegal for homosexual couples to get married. We are writing discrimination into our state constitutions! My beloved California is still run by a Rethuglican governor, the fucking Terminator no less. And stem cell research is being slammed left and right. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????

I don't get it. I don't get why loving someone else is wrong. I don't get why using abandoned stem cells, cells that would be thrown away, to help people who are living and suffering is wrong. I don't get it. I just don't get it.

I hate to say it and more importantly I hate that I FEEL it, but I honestly believe that people in general are stupid, selfish fucking assholes. There are a few of us who are ok. But most of them are fucking assholes. Anyone who spends their time telling other people what they should and should not do in their own personal life is a fucking asshole.

If you vaccinate your children, but are against stem cell research because of the aborted "babies"
then you're a clueless fucking asshole. Vaccines use aborted fetal cell tissue.

If you have ever...

picketed an abortion clinic
you're a fucking asshole
signed a petition banning abortion
you're a fucking asshole
voted to ban abortion in any way shape of form
you're a fucking asshole
and if you've ever done any of this and you haven't spent one moment of your time actually helping a mother who wanted to get an abortion but couldn't get one to raise her child
then you're a fucking asshole
if you protest abortion but have no adopted children yourself
you're a fucking asshole

If you have ever...

picketed against gay marriage
you're a total fucking asshole
signed a petition against gay marriage
you're a total fucking asshole
voted to ban gay marriage
you're a total fucking asshole, oh and YOU'RE GAY!

I think we need to start a revolt. It is so clear that anyone who spends so much of their time spewing hatred about something as beautiful as two consenting adults loving each other that person is a homosexual themselves. Look at all the fucking assholes in the Republican party and the stupid theocrats who have been dragged out of the closet lately. They have been brain washed by religion (the BIGGEST fucking enormous asshole released on humanity) and hate themselves so much that they have to spew this hatred out on to other homosexuals. The ones that have the courage to say "FUCK YOU" to a society that views them as less than second class, and be themselves.

People, WHAT THE FUCK? I really want to understand. Someone tell me why it is any of your business who I love? How does it affect your life if a gay couple has the same rights in marriage that you do? I want someone to give me a honest answer. Anything other than the ultimate cop out "The bible says so" FUCK THE BIBLE. The bible is a hate filled sewer designed to keep the idiot masses in line. All of religion is. "My God is better than your God" Fuck you. It's all a crock of shit and if you believe any of it then shame on you, whether you realize it or not you are helping to spread this disease to others. You are spreading the hate.

George Bush has created the ultimate irony in my life. A "man of God" has made me stop believing in God. His administration and what it has done to this country has made me realize all of the above. Thanks Georgie. I feel a lot better knowing that at least half of this country is full of total fucking idiots.

And I'm homeschooling my kids???? LOL! Well considering I missed my entire Junior year, I'll take it.

Your Inner Child Is Angry

You're not an angry person. But when you don't get your way, watch out. Like a very manipulative kid, you will get what you want. Even if it takes a little kicking and screaming.

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

You Belong in San Diego

Laid back and friendly, you were meant to live most of your life on the beach. You usually think everything is "all good"... except when the weather dips under 60F. You stay classy - especially when you're in Tijuana!

So backstory - my first love was a guy named Rex. I dated him when I moved to AZ my senior year in high school,we were together for two years and then we moved in together. I thought I was going to marry this guy. Turns out, I didn't, (long complicated story as all break-ups are) but I've thought a lot about him ever since. He came to our wedding and that was the last time I saw him. Cut to - about 8 years ago he runs into my dad. He tells him he would love to catch up with me and gives my dad his phone number to give to me. My dad tells me about it A YEAR LATER! Dad had lost his number by then, and I searched high and low but couldn't find Rex. He wasn't listed in the AZ phone books, I did search after search on the net and nothing. I even searched in LA thinking that maybe he moved out here to pursue acting. Nothing. Well, today I hit the jackpot!

I searched for about 2 hours, searching for his mom, his dad, his brothers and finally found a guy I thought MIGHT be his older brother Scott. I dropped him an e-mail, and it's him! He said he would be happy to pass my info on to Rex. He called him and told him about my e-mail and Rex said he's excited to get in touch with me. (He's moving today into a new house so he said to pass on the info that it might take him a few days while he gets his new # and e-mail) Well, I've waited 13 years I can wait a few more days. :o)

I am so excited to see how his life turned out. He was a good guy. We were young, so we made mistakes and hurt each other, but I am so over all of that. I was such a different person when I was with him. I remember giving him a really hard time about getting tattoos (oops!), smoking pot (oops again!), cursing (what the fuck?), and not believing in God (did I mention...ooops!). He will be shocked to see how I turned out after being such a fucking goodie goodie when he knew me. And I am dying to know if he got married, what he's doing with his life, and if he has kids. I am just dying to catch up now that I finally found him. :o)

So who says surfing the net is a waste of time???

Scott just took the boys to the zoo. Did you get the impact of that? All 3 of my guys are out of the apartment! I have time alone! And what am I doing??? Reading the net and cleaning. I am so uninspired.

Quinn is a screamer. Now most people hear me say that and reply "Oh, it can't be THAT bad". Well, yes, yes, it can. It's THAT bad. This child screams morning noon and night. When he wakes up in the middle of the night to nurse (and he does that at least every hour to hour and a half) he wakes up pissed. He screams instantly, and it is a shrill horrible sound that can wake the dead. My neighbors, thank goodness, are really tolerant of it. He woke our next door neighbor up yesterday, a single guy in his 30's who has never had children and thankfully is a really good guy. I felt horrible, but there is just nothing I can do. He's also teaching the baby across the way to scream. This 8 month old mimics Quinn when he hears him. I'm sure his mother wants to strangle me.

I love Quinn with all of my heart but right now I'm really fed up. I have ear plugs in, and put headphones on Sage to protect our ears. We just never know when it's coming! He screams over nothing. He screams when he's happy, when he's sad, when he's pissed, when he wants something. He just screams all the time. I wanted to write about our trip to AZ but I can't even finish this entry because he's screaming and driving me insane.

I have tried every trick in the book but absolutely nothing is working. Any suggestions? I've probably tried them already but maybe you have the magic cure that will bring quiet back to our house (and neighborhood!).

Just a minute ago I said one of those things that belongs on the list you are compiling. I turned to Quinn and said "I'm sorry baby but you can't have any more chapstick because you ate it all. Two tubes is enough."

It's the Burt's Bees kind so he smells like honey. And his lips look lucious! :o)

I realize more and more that I do things on a daily basis that I never would have dreamed I would be doing when I was a kid. I lived in a small town in the middle of nowhere. No one leaves that town. You are born there, you die there. That's just the way it is. The fact that I moved across the country, to LA no less, is astounding all on it's own. I did get married too young (21) because that's how I was raised. But beyond that, I haven't done one thing that I thought I would, and MAN AM I GLAD!!!! LOL! Here is a list of things I never thought I'd do:

~ We waited 8 years to have kids. I thought I'd have them right away. But we chose to wait because we were having too much fun!
~ We gave them non-traditional (read "weirdo California") names.
~ I breastfeed! And not only that but I breastfeed for really long times and actually volunteer to help other women learn how to do it. I never even saw anyone breastfeed until I breastfed my own child.
~ I cook! My high school home-ec teacher made her career goal to teach me to make something that wouldn't make people vomit - she failed. But now I can actually make a few dishes that are downright tasty.
~ I cook organically. And use cast iron pans.
~ I make my own cleansers. Now that to me as a kid would have just been weird, but now knowing what kind of chemicals go into that stuff makes me happy to mix up essential oils and baking soda and scrub like mad.
~ I homeschool. Something I never even heard of until just a few years ago!
~ I co-sleep with both my kids. I wasn't allowed in my parents bed. When I was a little girl I had this Pooh doll that I loved. I can remember holding him in my bed at night and pretending he was my baby. I remember thinking that no one slept with their babies, but that I would someday.
~ I'm outgoing and can easily walk into a group of new people and start chatting. I was so painfully shy as a child (and teen) that I would have never thought I'd be able to do that, but I do it all the time. It's from moving I think. I got to start over when we left the east coast and it felt good to walk up to people who hadn't known me from birth the way everyone in my old town had. It helped me really open up.
~ I'm a neat freak. As a kid I was a total slob! You couldn't even see the floor of my room because of all the toys and clothes. Now I can't stand clutter. I wish I had a happy medium here actually because clutter and mess in my home bothers me so much that it affects my mood. When the apartment is a mess I'm a mess.
~ I did stand up comedy! Ok, now that would have dropped me flat dead if someone told me when I was a kid that I'd be able to do that. I was so shy that I couldn't even raise my hand in class! To hear that as an adult I'd get up in front of a room full of people and make them laugh?! I would have died on the spot.

I love the way my life has turned out. If we hadn't moved when I was 17 my life would be so different. I talk to old friends back there and every time I get off the phone I want to run around my apartment yelling "I'm FREE! I'm FREE!!!!" It's a great feeling to love your life.

I had a visit from someone I used to work with tonight. I haven't seen her since before Quinn was born. She is single, childless, and asked me the same question that all stay-at-home-mothers get at some point in their life. "What do you do all day?" then she paused as I pulled Quinn down off the dresser (he's such a monkey and climbs on EVERYTHING) and said "Just...this?" *sigh* What I wanted to do was go off on a tirade about what a rude question that was and how just because I don't have a full-time job doesn't mean that I don't work. Instead I felt cornered and defensive and came off with a laundry list of what I do all day.
1. Run my sling business from home. (She was visiting to buy a sling actually)
2. Work at church on Sunday mornings. (Whoo hoo! My whopping $30 a week comes in handy)
3. Volunteer oodles of time with LLL.
4. Homeschool Sage
5. Volunteer with a holisitic moms group
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Anyway, I don't know why I always feel like I have to justify my existence. It's my own shit, which I realize. My own doubts about my choices to put my career on hold to raise my kids. And yes, I miss it. Desperately at times. But, damn! I mean can't people realize there's a better way to word that question. How about "Your kids are so energetic. I'll bet they keep you busy all day. Do you have time for anything else?" That would be so nice if someone were to put it that way. Whatever. I'm nitpicking. I'm just pissy today.

Yesterday I went with my friend Priya to our favorite tattoo place and got two beautiful new butterflies on my back. The artist did a wonderful job and was even able to incorporate my sons initials into the tattoos without them looking really obvious. I wanted something you had to look closely at to see the initials and he did it perfectly. Now I have a little family of butterflies flying on my back! The first one represents me and the spiritual growth I have taken in my life. I got it two years ago, the day I joined the UU church, and now with the two new ones (of course representing my beautiful boys) it looks a little faded. The artist offered to touch it up for me but honestly it hurt so badly that I couldn't do it! What a chicken I am! I never thought anyone would be able to describe me as "That redhead with 3 tattoos"!

Since having my children I have been dealing with a daily struggle to find balance. Balance between who I used to be, who I am now, and who I am becoming. So much has changed in my life just in the last 5 years. Spiritually speaking I have been an Atheist, a Pagan, a hopeful Agnostic, and now a UU still struggling with what I believe and what to call myself. (Hopeful Agnostic still seems to fit the best right now) I used to think that I knew what my spiritual beliefs were going to be for the rest of my life and have now realized that it will always be a metamorphosis for me in this area. I think that it should be. How else can I continue to grow if I don't continue to question?

Then there is the struggle for balance in motherhood. I am a believer in attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping and all that goes along with that. I now find myself in the role of "homeschooling mom" something I NEVER would have thought possible. So basically I am with my children 24/7. I love my sons more than anything in the world and feel that this is the absolute right path for us. However, sometimes I feel like I'm losing a bit of myself. Like all I am is "Mommy". I need to find a way to hang out with friends more and do the things I used to do before I had kids.

It's fantastic timing that my friend Nadia has moved back into town. And I am loving that Priya is back (even though it's only for a short visit) I'm having a blast! It reminds me that I need to do things without the boys more often and that it's ok to let my wild side show. It doesn't make me any less of a mom. It just makes me Me.